I have a HUGE fear of being unsafe... I’ve always been able to notice how I become more concerned about violence and my personal safety than all my friends. sometimes I can worry more than I should about being victimized attacked or losing control of my temper. I think what started or enhanced this whole fear was the experience amaris and I went through in the 6th grade at books a million.

mobile is a violent city with crooks and pervs. mother took us to the mall and allowed us to shop without supervision as she got her nails done (which was inside the mall with us) so we're lollygagging through all the girly stores we all loved so much at that age and eventually notice about a 65 year old man following and waiting for us outside the entrants of the stores. he eventually "gives in" and walks inside bath and body works and getting closer to us and asking amaris random questions. so we hall ass out of there thinking we're gonna loose him, run into books a million and find that the man has almost cornered us in a small row with his ding dong out and rubbing and patting himself. it was the most disgusting and ugliest thing id ever seen in my life. I mean that freaked the hell out of me, id never seen something like that before. it had to have scarred me and in result ive been so paranoid about everywhere I go.

most places I go, I go by myself. then my senior year my explorer was broken into stealing everything inside. that was the last feeling that I had that was even remotely even to how I felt that day at books a million. I believed I had been violated and that someone was after me. and now here I am at Wallace (still), in Hanceville Alabama...where all your neighbors are friendly and how your 2nd cousins have a friend that they know that has a son that they want u to be introduced to. safest, slowest, not exciting city ever. and when I do come back to Daphne for Halloween I have someone hit me from behind (in my explorer again) as im in a complete stop. i mean the poor boy, bless his heart was prolly goin around 65-70 miles. he had his eye on his dog which was in the back sit. mother and I weren’t hurt as much as him, he went through my back part of my vehicle pretty much causing his engine smashing through his legs. from what I know he did break his leg and was in a wheel chair for the rest or half his senior year. im so sorry and if u ever for some odd reason read this, please call me. I on the other hand i received very very bad distinct whiplash, resulting me to have physical therapy for 6 months. helped tremendously! but don’t forgot my other wreak I was in. this time in good ole holly pond. dec 16 im driving towards the pharmacy to pick up my pain medicine refill. it had only been 3 weeks from the 1st car wreak in my explorer. so im having to drive my mothers vehicle, well this old guy cuts in front of me (not my fault again) which was called a failer to yield. causing me to t-bone him. yep totaled that car too. causing to irritate my neck even more! FUCK! so now, my neck is a bitch. its a bitch when I get out of the shower and even more of a bitch at night. my neck will be such a bitch that it will cause me to receive zero sleep on some nights. a good night sleep is 7 hours with my pain and muscle relaxers. my neck will never be apart of my body the way it use to be. it has its own fucking mind of its own and will be a bitch for me for the rest of my life. everyday I believe I will die bye the age of 30. I remind my family that day by day. so I had the whole MRI done too, which they found nothing. and physical theory pretty much got sick of seeing me twice a week for 6 months straight. during the 6 months my doctor immediately puts me on anti depressants and sleeping pills, and could have given me any drug in the book that I wanted bc of all that fucking tragedy. now im goin to a chiropractor, and he swears he'll help me. and that’s good and I want to feel better, but my God its hard to relax when this guy who I hardly know is touching, popping, and cracking my neck!
now my hair is brunette. a big fucking deal when your Rachel Louise Jones from Spanish fort Alabama whose on the dance team, active in beauty pageants, and has her heart set on making everyone have me on there good list. this whole time, being up here going to school at Wallace, working as a server in a restaurant with girls my age that quite frankly don’t and didn’t ever give a fuck about Steve madden, wallabees, pearl necklaces, dunnie and burke handbags, hats and high heals. these girls live and have been raised to make it on there own without putting up with senseless bullshit that I went through in high school. these young women have a mind of their own and I admire them in all ways. I guess dying and chopping my beautiful long golden porn star blonde hair off, has just been a symbolism of letting go. letting go of the memories. memories of drama, jealousy, bitterness, ass kissing, stupidity, bad descions, and worst of all putting up with all of it in the sake of being able to keep up, fitting in, and having a legacy of popularity and reputation. now and since ive moved here, I only keep in touch with 3 of my variety friends that I graduated with. amaris, catie, and terrah. having myself up here sucks, it sucks major ass, but has guided me towards myself. myself of understanding who I am, my character and personality. and that is exactly what I wanted to achieve my 1st year in college. I wanted and want to focus on myself and where im going in life, what I want in this world and how to achieve my dreams. There is so much that I miss about in Daphne, everything is there. and I know I am a horrible friend to all the true friends that have called repeatedly over and over again just to talk and know how ive been. im damned for that. and I should return their call or answer the phone next time instead of putting it on silent immediately. why is that hard to do? why cant you just say "hello" while answering a phone call from someone who obviously loves and cares about you? sometimes I feel worthless, sometimes I have flashes of panic about things that could go wrong in my future, im afraid of losing control. I cant because sometimes I feel as if im my own worst critic. how can I love someone when I don't even love myself? I cant except myself. even when im actively trying to improve my life, I get anxious when things actually start to change. I can feel fearful or depressed after I achieve something. and when I do have a significant other in my life who is flattered and charmed with myself, ill soon realize im falling deep into this and I cant let myself break that point to where he has me. so I just run away, fast. I seem to keep this wall around me so where no one can come in me so my feelings wont get hurt or I wont fall in love to where I cant have a broken heart. but what I really want to do is crumble that wall down and tell you I love you and just give u the biggest hug. and the only way that can happen is by forgiving and loving myself. being happy with who I am and excepting all of lifes small joys and reflecting my daily blessings.